mutter-vater, vater-mutter

i know, they're the cutest ever.
and lookin' so good after half a century! work.it.'rents.
[downtown l.a. -- november '08]

Sunday Magazine

Motherlode: Changing the Language of Fatherhood

By By Lisa Belkin

Published: June 13, 2009

In a guest blog, Paul Hankes Drielsma writes about words -- the ones we need to stop using, and the ones we need to use more.

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i just read a good, thought-provoking blog (found on the nytimes home page, linked in the title above) about fatherhood and motherhood. and the language we use when referring to each role. it's written by a dad who really is embodying an equal share in parenting but also admitting the obstacles he's up against when it comes to the way our culture views dads. this is actually feminism here. it absolutely is. because to seek equality between the sexes, marriage and parenting must be examined; they're both essential to the human condition. for true partnership to exist, there must be a sharing of responsibility and care. this dad gets it. he says he's not trying to play the 'woe is me' card, and i'll admit some of his concerns do borderline 'woe is me', but he's got a point. a good point. language absolutely shapes us. in every way.

my dad stayed home (while my mom worked full-time) with me during some of my most formative years. the same with my sister. it was kinda' just normal to us. and believe me, as i've gotten older, i've realized what a gift that was/is. my parents made a partnership in marriage just seem like the way marriage worked. there were times where they even shared a job; one taught classes in the morning while the other taught classes in the afternoon, and then they stayed home with their daughters during their off hours each day. they shared. truly shared responsibility and care.

but, one thing our family still had to learn was the way in which we referred to my dad's years of being the full-time, at-home parent. we called him 'mr. mom.' (he called himself this too) when telling a story from those years. and there 's the best of intentions in that terminology, but i think i see now (thanks to a conversation last year with melissa burt-gracik) that such a title belittles my dad's service to his family. such a title makes being a 'mother' the normative experience as a parent. that's exactly what this blog is talking about. why is mothering viewed as parenting while fathering is, at best, viewed as babysitting? such good questions to examine.

my dad is mr. dad. and as a stay-at-home dad, he did everything a stay-at-home mom typically does, but he did it as him. as a father. so as my parents celebrate 29 years of marraige today (congrats mutti und vati!), i must thank them both for the true mutuality, shared responsibility, and real partnership they've shown to me and my sister through the years.

one week from today, much of the western world will celebrate 'father's day', and that's great, but let's be mindful about how we speak about fathers and their roles in families (of course, same goes for mothers). may we not trap our sons and our daughters into set ideas of what a dad does as being so different from what a mom does. let's exemplify in our relationships and in our language that moms and dads are both parents... with both playing an equal and active role in their child's life.

thanks 'rents; you're the best. i'm celebrating with you both today even though there's an ocean and some land between us. i sure do appreciate you. the you that is you both: together. for life. all my love.

deine,
tochter nummer eins